what is ♡

it’s when the memories pull down on your throat

it’s when gravity pulls you a little harder and makes it hard to make simple movements

it’s when you obsess over minor changes

it’s when you become selfish and wish him misery

it’s when the thought of him with someone else breaks every bone in your body and stabs your heart with the shattered remains

it’s when you are not the same anymore

it’s when everything good is paired with the weight of the past

it’s when you miss every, single, thing

it’s when you cannot go a day without thinking of him

it’s when you can’t move on…
i can’t move on.


fate and its evil workings

When you can see it ending, why even bother trying?
I. dont. know.
All I know right now is that the feeling’s mutual but time is limited.

Funny how fate works in the most inconvenient ways. Something finally decides to work out and of course it has to happen at the very last moment when I simply just do not have time. 

How do you even begin to commit to something that has a definite and inescapable ending?
I guess since I’m already wayyyy too emotionally invested, I’ve set myself up for heartbreak and disappointment once again. The most pathetic thing about this situation is that I can’t even find the courage to stop nor do I want to end this “relationship.” Somehow, I want to make this work and it’s just so hard to let go because he really makes me happy. He makes me happy.

He makes me HAPPY… .

…He makes me happy but he also makes me feel hopeless.

Like I said, fate can be a pain in the ass.
right Joseph?

I can’t say with conviction…

I’m pretty sure I’m over you so please don’t make me pretend I don’t care…

..please don’t make me face you and acknowledge anything

It’ll only make this harder on me.

I did so much better on my own, feigning feelings…

And I want nothing more but for them to be something other than me lying to myself,

but I can’t help it.


So let me be..

..let me keep lying to myself

because it’s easier than my own heart betraying me every time…

In those instances when even my persistent deceits can’t mask what I really feel.


I wish you the best, I really do

but don’t expect anything more than those thoughts from me

I can’t force myself to do anything but that…


Just like I can’t make you say or do anything.



sweet and sorrowful valentine’s

I get it now.

I’ve always wondered why people try to make their ex girlfriends/boyfriends jealous. I never got the logic behind it and laughed at their pointless schemes…but now that I’ve been on the other side of the scenario, I get it.

I understand why people want their ex-lover’s attention. I understand why they want to show them that they’re fine without them. I understand why they can’t just simply ignore them.

It’s because although we’re trying so hard to look happy, all we’re doing is trying to convince ourselves that we don’t need them in our lives anymore.

“I dont need him anymore” so I’ve said to myself a million times…but to be honest, I want to keep him in my life (maybe not as lovers but something a little less than friends).

Even though you’ve put closure on your feelings for them and you’ve moved on, it’s hard to see them with another person. It hurts.
It hurts because all I can do is catch glimpses of the person I used to love. It sucks too because everytime I turn my back to him, I can feel his eyes burning a hole in the back of my head, even though he might not be facing my way.

It’s really frustrating because I know he feels sorry for not having ended things right and he’s trying to make a friendly gesture towards me but I’m not letting him. I’m avoiding his eyes and pretending he’s not there so that he doesn’t give me a reason not to hate him.
He has apologized but all I could say at the time was a cowardly “everyone makes mistakes,” instead of all the things he did that hurt me two years ago. I wanted to ask him all the reasons for everything he did/said and if he actually did love me at one point, even for a second.

Anyways, I guess I deserve not ever knowing the real reason why…my fault for being a coward.

But yeah…it makes me sad that I still think about him after all the times I was so sure I was over him. I guess I can’t really get totally over him untill I put closure on what happened….
as of right now, I’m 99.99% over him.

I don’t know what to do about the other 0.01% but I guess once you’ve loved someone, you never actually stop caring for them.

In summary, I spent my valentines in the same room as my ex who brought his new girlfriend. Even though I knew about them, I was definately caught off guard by my emotions. This may be surprising, but I do genuinely wish them happiness and luck…because it’s hard being in love.

But I hope he knows that it’s also hard for me to ignore all the memories and long-gone feelings I have of him.

I hope he knows that everytime I see him, it’s like remembering a sweet dream that without warning turned into a nightmare.

xx els (with a heavy and nostalgic heart)