too much time

so much time has passed, now that I look back.

so much time has passed that I don’t even remember the things we used to do…

the things that I missed so much for so long;

my heart used to drop and sink every time I thought of our past

but now, I don’t even miss it anymore.

the places painted with our memories don’t have any meaning now

and I don’t talk the same way anymore,

just the way I don’t remember your voice..

I don’t say the things I used to say or make the same jokes,

not because I’m sad,

but because it’s been so long.

they’ve evolved –into new mannerisms and new punchlines, new laughters..

they’re not even funny anymore.

it’s been so long that I can’t remember all the memories that used to haunt me every day for the six, insufferable months that dragged on like six, endless years.

it’s been so long that I can’t remember the how happy you made me, even if I wanted to.

before, I could list out the things you did that made me smile until I ran out of fingers to count on,

but now I can’t even name three.

it took forever,

and I’m okay now,

but I have reason to believe that you’re not.

this would make me sad…that you can’t move on,

but I think you’re fine.

maybe you don’t know..

you probably don’t know, but you’ve already moved on

–it’s just that you haven’t caught up to it.

I bet you hold her and kiss her,

you smile and she smiles;

but in the end, are you happy?

how does it feel to be stuck in the past? because I think I know.

it hurts like hell.

it fucking hurts.

I don’t want revenge

because that means I’m still hurting.

maybe I am,

maybe I still care..

but not like I used to..

–it’s faint now.

faint like our memories,

faint like the past

because too much time has passed…

too much time has passed, and I can’t even make myself miss it if I wanted to.

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good karma

I’ve always believed in the principle that the world will treat you with the same amount of kindness that you treat it with. Everything that happens to you mirrors how you’ve been living.

Anyways, as everyone knows, Uber is popular with college students. To give a little background knowledge, I am currently a freshman at Boston University and I’m planning on majoring in international relations.

Two days ago, my roommate and I were too lazy to take public transportation to Newbury (shopping) so we called an Uber. When we got a notification that the driver was arriving, we went outside and it was a pretty cold day so we were hoping to get in the car soon. However, it was taking the driver a very long time, so we called him but he would not pick up. At this point, we were getting a little annoyed and restless after about 20 minutes of waiting. I told my roommate that she should just cancel the trip and get another Uber but she insisted that we take this Uber so that she can tell the driver how unprofessional this was.

Not exaggerating, we waited close to an hour and if you knew my roommate, you’d know that she can be stubborn and will not give up easily. She was really mad and was getting so frustrated, which resulted in her calling him multiple times and sending him a text that read “WHERE ARE YOU.”

We were both very tired from a long week of school that day and were extra sensitive to life’s shit.

Just in case, I told her to check the address that she sent the driver and we found out that she sent him the wrong pickup location. So, we sent him the correct address and he came in about 5-10 minutes. I already felt bad for being a little too harsh on the driver so when I got in, I was planning on saying sorry. When we got in though, he pointed at a sign posted behind the passenger seat saying that he was hearing impaired.

I immediately felt like an asshole and felt like shit because it was our fault for giving him the wrong address. He also had not answered the calls because he was hearing impaired and could only speak sign language. The amount of guilt I felt was insane and it really did make me tear up a little.

Because I felt so bad, I asked my roommate if I should give a tip saying sorry. She replied no, but I knew that if I didn’t I would feel so fucking bad. A reason I was a little hesitant about leaving a tip was that I only had a $20 bill. After a long time of contemplating, I made up my mind that I was going to give him the tip. When the car stopped at our destination, I asked for his writing pad and pen, wrote a little note saying “I’m sorry about making you wait at the wrong address. It was our fault and I apologize. Here’s a tip for your troubles and I hope you have a nice day =)” When I handed him back the notepad with the $20, he smiled and signed a happy “thank you” to me.

I almost cried because I felt like an asshole for judging someone without considering his circumstances. This is probably the best $20 I spent during college so far and I definitely felt so fucking good afterwards.

This ties into something that happened this weekend. I went to Club Envy with a bunch of guys from a fraternity that my roommate and I are close with. I got pretty intoxicated and ended up losing my Canada Goose jacket. After we came back to the frat house to afterparty and chill, I sort of accepted it and decided to figure out a solution the next day. Everyone was so kind to me and reassured me and I’m so thankful for that.

Anyways, today, (the day after I lost it) I felt like shit and I actually haven’t taken off my makeup from last night yet. I was freaking out for hours and feeling pretty down, and I even told my roommate “I know I have good karma coming my way” but it was pretty fucking hard to stay optimistic.

A few hours into my self-pitying, I got a text from my friend (who knows the manager of the club) saying that someone took it by accident and that they would send it back. I was so relieved that I almost cried (again).

I really think that this is the effect of good karma. Especially having gone through so much emotional highs/lows this week, I feel like every good thing I did paid off. I just feel so relieved and introspective into how I should live my life. Even more than before, I think I should treat everything with a little more kindness and wholeheartedness. Not just for what might come back to me if I do good deeds, but just in general. This whole weekend taught me so much more about life and how you have to live it so that you NEVER regret anything.

Good karma will come your way, and it’ll feel so much better if you know that the world is gifting you back. ❤

 

xx,

els

Looking for light

Deep underwater,
No light.

If you go deeper,
Is there light on the other side?
Or is it an endless path of darkness and loss that’ll consume your every hopes and turn into nothing right before your eyes.

Is there hope for the lost, the blind, the confused, the ones who tread on water only to find themselves even more adrift than before…?

Pressure increases as the weight on our shoulders forces us to our knees and keeps us at the bottom.

Then we cry for help as if anyone can hear us through the muffling crowd of their own thoughts.
And even if they could, would they have any clue as to how to help..?

When do we realize that we are oblivious to our surroundings? When do we realize that we are all crying for help simultaneously therefore muting ourselves…When do we fucking realize that we’re all deaf.

We are all witnesses of helplessness yet we do not realize.

Every single day we suffer but fail to offer a hand…
Neither do we take the hand held out to us.

We unintentionally put ourselves into failure then try as hard as we can to save ourselves….

We set ourselves up for failure..

Then give up at the thought of success.

oxygen

sometimes i close my eyes

sometimes i stop thinking

sometimes i drown out everything

sometimes i fall and don’t get back up

sometimes i feel insignificant, like i don’t matter

so i take a deep breath,

filling up…

until it hurts.

then,

i stop breathing

i stop trying

just for a while…

I feel my heart slow down

every beat pounds through my chest

every beat rips through numbness

until complete desperation.

I slip away

into nonexistence

allowing myself to feel pain as it is

just pain, nothing else

to clear my mind from everything unnecessary.

no room for myself

slowly suffocating…

oxygen leaves

and so do I