I get it now.
I’ve always wondered why people try to make their ex girlfriends/boyfriends jealous. I never got the logic behind it and laughed at their pointless schemes…but now that I’ve been on the other side of the scenario, I get it.
I understand why people want their ex-lover’s attention. I understand why they want to show them that they’re fine without them. I understand why they can’t just simply ignore them.
It’s because although we’re trying so hard to look happy, all we’re doing is trying to convince ourselves that we don’t need them in our lives anymore.
“I dont need him anymore” so I’ve said to myself a million times…but to be honest, I want to keep him in my life (maybe not as lovers but something a little less than friends).
Even though you’ve put closure on your feelings for them and you’ve moved on, it’s hard to see them with another person. It hurts.
It hurts because all I can do is catch glimpses of the person I used to love. It sucks too because everytime I turn my back to him, I can feel his eyes burning a hole in the back of my head, even though he might not be facing my way.
It’s really frustrating because I know he feels sorry for not having ended things right and he’s trying to make a friendly gesture towards me but I’m not letting him. I’m avoiding his eyes and pretending he’s not there so that he doesn’t give me a reason not to hate him.
He has apologized but all I could say at the time was a cowardly “everyone makes mistakes,” instead of all the things he did that hurt me two years ago. I wanted to ask him all the reasons for everything he did/said and if he actually did love me at one point, even for a second.
Anyways, I guess I deserve not ever knowing the real reason why…my fault for being a coward.
But yeah…it makes me sad that I still think about him after all the times I was so sure I was over him. I guess I can’t really get totally over him untill I put closure on what happened….
as of right now, I’m 99.99% over him.
I don’t know what to do about the other 0.01% but I guess once you’ve loved someone, you never actually stop caring for them.
In summary, I spent my valentines in the same room as my ex who brought his new girlfriend. Even though I knew about them, I was definately caught off guard by my emotions. This may be surprising, but I do genuinely wish them happiness and luck…because it’s hard being in love.
But I hope he knows that it’s also hard for me to ignore all the memories and long-gone feelings I have of him.
I hope he knows that everytime I see him, it’s like remembering a sweet dream that without warning turned into a nightmare.
xx els (with a heavy and nostalgic heart)
wandering 