fuck you

fuck.you.

fuck you for abandoning me,

fuck you for neglecting me,

fuck you for making me feel invisible,

fuck you for saying things, KNOWING that i’d get upset,

fuck you for being selfish,

fuck you for patronizing me,

fuck you for looking down on me,

fuck you for stepping on my pride,

fuck you for making me lose myself,

fuck you for making me not feel like myself,

fuck you for driving me to the point of insanity,

fuck you for making me fake my happiness because I can’t find it anymore,

fuck you for igniting my fiery hell of depression,

fuck you for making me cry,

fuck you for making me feel uncontrollable, 

fuck you for turning me into a monster,

fuck you for making me feel ugly,

fuck you for making me small,

fuck you for making me feel helpless,

fuck you for being a fucking bitch,

fuck you for taking his side after you ALWAYS fucking said I was first,

fuck you for being a sadistic liar,

fuck you for pretending to be anything but evil,

fuck you for turning your back on me,

fuck you for making me an angry person,

fuck you for always consciously playing with my emotions,

fuck you for making me feel weak,

fuck you for constantly trying to remind me that I’m less than you,

fuck you for thinking you’re better,

fuck you for making me submissive,

fuck you for changing who i am,

fuck you for taking everything away from me,

fuck you because you think nothing of this situation,

fuck you for thinking you’re so mature,

fuck you for making me have to thank you for something that is supposed to be obvious in a friendship,

fuck you for yelling at me,

fuck you for making me want to forget everything….

forget, erase, not remember,

in ANY way possible.

but most importantly, fuck you because after everything,.. you guys have each other,

and i have nothing.

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good karma

I’ve always believed in the principle that the world will treat you with the same amount of kindness that you treat it with. Everything that happens to you mirrors how you’ve been living.

Anyways, as everyone knows, Uber is popular with college students. To give a little background knowledge, I am currently a freshman at Boston University and I’m planning on majoring in international relations.

Two days ago, my roommate and I were too lazy to take public transportation to Newbury (shopping) so we called an Uber. When we got a notification that the driver was arriving, we went outside and it was a pretty cold day so we were hoping to get in the car soon. However, it was taking the driver a very long time, so we called him but he would not pick up. At this point, we were getting a little annoyed and restless after about 20 minutes of waiting. I told my roommate that she should just cancel the trip and get another Uber but she insisted that we take this Uber so that she can tell the driver how unprofessional this was.

Not exaggerating, we waited close to an hour and if you knew my roommate, you’d know that she can be stubborn and will not give up easily. She was really mad and was getting so frustrated, which resulted in her calling him multiple times and sending him a text that read “WHERE ARE YOU.”

We were both very tired from a long week of school that day and were extra sensitive to life’s shit.

Just in case, I told her to check the address that she sent the driver and we found out that she sent him the wrong pickup location. So, we sent him the correct address and he came in about 5-10 minutes. I already felt bad for being a little too harsh on the driver so when I got in, I was planning on saying sorry. When we got in though, he pointed at a sign posted behind the passenger seat saying that he was hearing impaired.

I immediately felt like an asshole and felt like shit because it was our fault for giving him the wrong address. He also had not answered the calls because he was hearing impaired and could only speak sign language. The amount of guilt I felt was insane and it really did make me tear up a little.

Because I felt so bad, I asked my roommate if I should give a tip saying sorry. She replied no, but I knew that if I didn’t I would feel so fucking bad. A reason I was a little hesitant about leaving a tip was that I only had a $20 bill. After a long time of contemplating, I made up my mind that I was going to give him the tip. When the car stopped at our destination, I asked for his writing pad and pen, wrote a little note saying “I’m sorry about making you wait at the wrong address. It was our fault and I apologize. Here’s a tip for your troubles and I hope you have a nice day =)” When I handed him back the notepad with the $20, he smiled and signed a happy “thank you” to me.

I almost cried because I felt like an asshole for judging someone without considering his circumstances. This is probably the best $20 I spent during college so far and I definitely felt so fucking good afterwards.

This ties into something that happened this weekend. I went to Club Envy with a bunch of guys from a fraternity that my roommate and I are close with. I got pretty intoxicated and ended up losing my Canada Goose jacket. After we came back to the frat house to afterparty and chill, I sort of accepted it and decided to figure out a solution the next day. Everyone was so kind to me and reassured me and I’m so thankful for that.

Anyways, today, (the day after I lost it) I felt like shit and I actually haven’t taken off my makeup from last night yet. I was freaking out for hours and feeling pretty down, and I even told my roommate “I know I have good karma coming my way” but it was pretty fucking hard to stay optimistic.

A few hours into my self-pitying, I got a text from my friend (who knows the manager of the club) saying that someone took it by accident and that they would send it back. I was so relieved that I almost cried (again).

I really think that this is the effect of good karma. Especially having gone through so much emotional highs/lows this week, I feel like every good thing I did paid off. I just feel so relieved and introspective into how I should live my life. Even more than before, I think I should treat everything with a little more kindness and wholeheartedness. Not just for what might come back to me if I do good deeds, but just in general. This whole weekend taught me so much more about life and how you have to live it so that you NEVER regret anything.

Good karma will come your way, and it’ll feel so much better if you know that the world is gifting you back. ❤

 

xx,

els

“To whom do you beautifully belong?”

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Everyone wants to feel like they belong…like they are part of something: something meaningful and beautiful. Amidst the fleeting moments of quotidian life, amongst all the unnoticed sounds and motions, you want to find the peculiarity of each second. It intrigues you that each and every second is different from the last and will always be irreplaceable. Even when you know clearly what you are bound to and supposed to do, the path trudged upon every single day, you never do it the same way as before.
In our subconscious habits, we suppress our desires unknowingly and they become part of our unconsciousness, hidden in the back of our minds, glistening in it’s own lacking luster, like precious stones do in their untapped sanctuaries.
This video gives life to what once was a meek sparkle and embodies it as a luminous visual. When I went inside this small and very dark room, I felt nonexistent. Everything outside was irrelevant and incompreshensible. Somehow, the only thing that I could trust in that small square room was what was on the screen. There was a small rectangular box towards the back of the black room where one person was sitting a little towards the left. My friend Emily and I went in together and I sat in the middle of it and she sat on my right side. It was odd because I could feel the presence of the two people next to me but I couldn’t see them. That’s how dark it was. About two minutes in, I knew I was going to be here for a while so i I told Emily that I was going to sit on the floor, where I could lay down. I didn’t even realize that not a single person was sitting on the floor. But the floor was carpet so I just sat on the floor and leaned back on the black rectangular box I had just been sitting on. I started a sort of chain reaction because the guy who had been standing next to me laid down on the floor, leaning back on the left side of the square room. I don’t understand exactly why (nor do I care to figure out) but I felt content at that small adjustment he had made and felt a little flutter. This pulse continued throughout the video in many ways.
I was inspired by the effortlessness of the whole short movie. The people in the video were exact embodiment of ordinary people yet what made them so interesting was that they continued to repeat the same motions.
Everyone has their own hidden desires; a yearning turned down by practicality and consciousness. Whether it be staring blankly at the camera, spinning in infinite circles, or walking ridiculously in slow motion, these people were becoming one with their true selves.
If everyone were to embrace all of their petty longings, it would be a beautiful sight, just like the video.
If we all could let loose of our inhibitions and release our hearts, this abnormality could (blend in and) become so common (that it be/and soon) negligible.
Isn’t that how norms are established? Something controversial is introduced, which then becomes so common that it soon becomes ordinary.
However, until that phenomenon takes place, it remains in the corner of our minds, shining in its own glory,
untouched.

fate and its evil workings

When you can see it ending, why even bother trying?
I. dont. know.
All I know right now is that the feeling’s mutual but time is limited.

Funny how fate works in the most inconvenient ways. Something finally decides to work out and of course it has to happen at the very last moment when I simply just do not have time. 

How do you even begin to commit to something that has a definite and inescapable ending?
I guess since I’m already wayyyy too emotionally invested, I’ve set myself up for heartbreak and disappointment once again. The most pathetic thing about this situation is that I can’t even find the courage to stop nor do I want to end this “relationship.” Somehow, I want to make this work and it’s just so hard to let go because he really makes me happy. He makes me happy.

He makes me HAPPY… .

…He makes me happy but he also makes me feel hopeless.

Like I said, fate can be a pain in the ass.
right Joseph?