i can’t.

i don’t understand.

unable to control,



i guess i put it on myself,

my inability to express, acknowledge, give up.

i guess it’s all my fault.



but at the same time, how can i help it…


good karma

I’ve always believed in the principle that the world will treat you with the same amount of kindness that you treat it with. Everything that happens to you mirrors how you’ve been living.

Anyways, as everyone knows, Uber is popular with college students. To give a little background knowledge, I am currently a freshman at Boston University and I’m planning on majoring in international relations.

Two days ago, my roommate and I were too lazy to take public transportation to Newbury (shopping) so we called an Uber. When we got a notification that the driver was arriving, we went outside and it was a pretty cold day so we were hoping to get in the car soon. However, it was taking the driver a very long time, so we called him but he would not pick up. At this point, we were getting a little annoyed and restless after about 20 minutes of waiting. I told my roommate that she should just cancel the trip and get another Uber but she insisted that we take this Uber so that she can tell the driver how unprofessional this was.

Not exaggerating, we waited close to an hour and if you knew my roommate, you’d know that she can be stubborn and will not give up easily. She was really mad and was getting so frustrated, which resulted in her calling him multiple times and sending him a text that read “WHERE ARE YOU.”

We were both very tired from a long week of school that day and were extra sensitive to life’s shit.

Just in case, I told her to check the address that she sent the driver and we found out that she sent him the wrong pickup location. So, we sent him the correct address and he came in about 5-10 minutes. I already felt bad for being a little too harsh on the driver so when I got in, I was planning on saying sorry. When we got in though, he pointed at a sign posted behind the passenger seat saying that he was hearing impaired.

I immediately felt like an asshole and felt like shit because it was our fault for giving him the wrong address. He also had not answered the calls because he was hearing impaired and could only speak sign language. The amount of guilt I felt was insane and it really did make me tear up a little.

Because I felt so bad, I asked my roommate if I should give a tip saying sorry. She replied no, but I knew that if I didn’t I would feel so fucking bad. A reason I was a little hesitant about leaving a tip was that I only had a $20 bill. After a long time of contemplating, I made up my mind that I was going to give him the tip. When the car stopped at our destination, I asked for his writing pad and pen, wrote a little note saying “I’m sorry about making you wait at the wrong address. It was our fault and I apologize. Here’s a tip for your troubles and I hope you have a nice day =)” When I handed him back the notepad with the $20, he smiled and signed a happy “thank you” to me.

I almost cried because I felt like an asshole for judging someone without considering his circumstances. This is probably the best $20 I spent during college so far and I definitely felt so fucking good afterwards.

This ties into something that happened this weekend. I went to Club Envy with a bunch of guys from a fraternity that my roommate and I are close with. I got pretty intoxicated and ended up losing my Canada Goose jacket. After we came back to the frat house to afterparty and chill, I sort of accepted it and decided to figure out a solution the next day. Everyone was so kind to me and reassured me and I’m so thankful for that.

Anyways, today, (the day after I lost it) I felt like shit and I actually haven’t taken off my makeup from last night yet. I was freaking out for hours and feeling pretty down, and I even told my roommate “I know I have good karma coming my way” but it was pretty fucking hard to stay optimistic.

A few hours into my self-pitying, I got a text from my friend (who knows the manager of the club) saying that someone took it by accident and that they would send it back. I was so relieved that I almost cried (again).

I really think that this is the effect of good karma. Especially having gone through so much emotional highs/lows this week, I feel like every good thing I did paid off. I just feel so relieved and introspective into how I should live my life. Even more than before, I think I should treat everything with a little more kindness and wholeheartedness. Not just for what might come back to me if I do good deeds, but just in general. This whole weekend taught me so much more about life and how you have to live it so that you NEVER regret anything.

Good karma will come your way, and it’ll feel so much better if you know that the world is gifting you back. ❤




sweet and sorrowful valentine’s

I get it now.

I’ve always wondered why people try to make their ex girlfriends/boyfriends jealous. I never got the logic behind it and laughed at their pointless schemes…but now that I’ve been on the other side of the scenario, I get it.

I understand why people want their ex-lover’s attention. I understand why they want to show them that they’re fine without them. I understand why they can’t just simply ignore them.

It’s because although we’re trying so hard to look happy, all we’re doing is trying to convince ourselves that we don’t need them in our lives anymore.

“I dont need him anymore” so I’ve said to myself a million times…but to be honest, I want to keep him in my life (maybe not as lovers but something a little less than friends).

Even though you’ve put closure on your feelings for them and you’ve moved on, it’s hard to see them with another person. It hurts.
It hurts because all I can do is catch glimpses of the person I used to love. It sucks too because everytime I turn my back to him, I can feel his eyes burning a hole in the back of my head, even though he might not be facing my way.

It’s really frustrating because I know he feels sorry for not having ended things right and he’s trying to make a friendly gesture towards me but I’m not letting him. I’m avoiding his eyes and pretending he’s not there so that he doesn’t give me a reason not to hate him.
He has apologized but all I could say at the time was a cowardly “everyone makes mistakes,” instead of all the things he did that hurt me two years ago. I wanted to ask him all the reasons for everything he did/said and if he actually did love me at one point, even for a second.

Anyways, I guess I deserve not ever knowing the real reason why…my fault for being a coward.

But yeah…it makes me sad that I still think about him after all the times I was so sure I was over him. I guess I can’t really get totally over him untill I put closure on what happened….
as of right now, I’m 99.99% over him.

I don’t know what to do about the other 0.01% but I guess once you’ve loved someone, you never actually stop caring for them.

In summary, I spent my valentines in the same room as my ex who brought his new girlfriend. Even though I knew about them, I was definately caught off guard by my emotions. This may be surprising, but I do genuinely wish them happiness and luck…because it’s hard being in love.

But I hope he knows that it’s also hard for me to ignore all the memories and long-gone feelings I have of him.

I hope he knows that everytime I see him, it’s like remembering a sweet dream that without warning turned into a nightmare.

xx els (with a heavy and nostalgic heart)


i’m probably the most insecure person sometimes…

yes, i’m a scaredy cat….probably the smallest one too

small because everything is big and frightening, not small because i’m less of a scaredy cat

right now, everything seems so overwhelming and it’s as if the world is waiting on me to make a move

to prove myself as a person

not just any person, but a confident, bright and promising one

it’s like as if i’m on the edge of a cliff, ready to fall…

ready to fall towards the light below, full of opportunity

i envision a world of chances under me

it’s not gravity that lures me into it

but my own will, my own choices….

just as i’m ready to give myself in to desire and yearning

a consuming force pulls me back

and somehow i’m split between aspiration and fear

it tears everything apart inside

they both simultaneously wrench me in both directions while forcing me towards the ground

I look at the only place unrestrained

…I look up.

hoping to find relief…

but i’m stubborn, obdurate, and unyielding

I don’t give in to anything….which only keeps me in the same position,.stuck in place without expectation

everytime a thought passes by, I immediately slam down a wall and suppress it

so that I remain uninfluenced

i always destroy every chance given to me….

it’s frustrating because i can’t bring myself to do anything but remain still and not give in to ANYTHING

it’s worse when the choices i make not only involve me, but someone else

everything’s up to me but i somehow cant do shit

i need someone to just tell me not do that something, i don’t care what it is..

i need it to be certain and truthful

i need it so that i can make choices without regrets…

so that i can decide what i want

if i have anything to want anymore… .


there’s this storm of confusion

the wind muffles every thought and judgement

all i can possibly do right now is remain silent

it’s all i can do.

i’m trying with every strength inside me to do the right thing

but i’m sure it all seems insincere and meaningless…

disappointment is the only word i have to describe my feeling towards myself right now

Things I like…

Probably going to add onto this later…

Drawing oranges

Burying myself in clean duvets

Lying on concrete

Cold air

Looking down on the world from some place high up

Aimlessly walking

Traveling alone

Speaking french


Sounds of nature

Hole-punching paper

Walking in rain

Sad songs


Finding a chord that sounds good (guitar)

Getting mail for me in the mailbox

Paying attention to lyrics

Naps with the window open

Falling asleep in class


Finishing a stick of chapstick

Tuning the world out

Laughing untill I cry


Having guy best friends


Being a kid


People watching

Walking barefoot

Flights and airports

Making tea

Being home alone

Writing in blue pen

Empty houses without anything in them

Blue skies


Korean candy


Saint Cyr au Mont D’or


Eating outside

Cold pillows

Driving on cliffs

Falling on snow

Collecting receipts

Holding my breath

Smell of wood burning

3 years


That number….
It seems like a small number but it’s infinite to me.

Three years.

I’ve just come to realize that as of right now, I’m living a pretty static life.
This is currently my 3rd year living in Georgia. ..something like this hasn’t happened in a long time.

By the start of my freshman year (2011) my parents had decided that I would need a stable 4 years of high school. So we decided to stay in one place until I graduated. I rejoiced at the thought 2 years ago but I dont know anymore…

It feels….weird.
I cant explain this feeling. But it’s something like…I have the urge to pick up my things and leave.
To start over.
I guess im just used to starting over.
Or is it that i’m just so used to giving up

I dont know…

I just dont feel like myself

I thought it was hard leaving everything behind all the time. But now, I see that staying is harder.

Before, I could totally mess up relationships with other people and it wouldn’t matter because I would leave. I can’t be like that anymore.
I have to try harder

But instead of doing that, I dream of graduating and leaving everything behind
Of going away…
Running away..

Maybe I’m just selfish.
Selfish me.


i feel like as a person, i’m very inconsistent

the reason i made this blog was to build a world of my thoughts

because words are all we have right?

sometimes though, i sense that there might be another reason why i decided to create this “world”

maybe i’m trying to hide from the real world.

the confusing thing is that i still want to share everything

i want to let them know….without pointing a finger at myself

at the same time, i want to say it’s me…but then i dont think i could tell them

so that’s why i direct this blog to nothing/no one in particular because i dont know who i want to stumble upon it