too much time

so much time has passed, now that I look back.

so much time has passed that I don’t even remember the things we used to do…

the things that I missed so much for so long;

my heart used to drop and sink every time I thought of our past

but now, I don’t even miss it anymore.

the places painted with our memories don’t have any meaning now

and I don’t talk the same way anymore,

just the way I don’t remember your voice..

I don’t say the things I used to say or make the same jokes,

not because I’m sad,

but because it’s been so long.

they’ve evolved –into new mannerisms and new punchlines, new laughters..

they’re not even funny anymore.

it’s been so long that I can’t remember all the memories that used to haunt me every day for the six, insufferable months that dragged on like six, endless years.

it’s been so long that I can’t remember the how happy you made me, even if I wanted to.

before, I could list out the things you did that made me smile until I ran out of fingers to count on,

but now I can’t even name three.

it took forever,

and I’m okay now,

but I have reason to believe that you’re not.

this would make me sad…that you can’t move on,

but I think you’re fine.

maybe you don’t know..

you probably don’t know, but you’ve already moved on

–it’s just that you haven’t caught up to it.

I bet you hold her and kiss her,

you smile and she smiles;

but in the end, are you happy?

how does it feel to be stuck in the past? because I think I know.

it hurts like hell.

it fucking hurts.

I don’t want revenge

because that means I’m still hurting.

maybe I am,

maybe I still care..

but not like I used to..

–it’s faint now.

faint like our memories,

faint like the past

because too much time has passed…

too much time has passed, and I can’t even make myself miss it if I wanted to.

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what is ♡

it’s when the memories pull down on your throat

it’s when gravity pulls you a little harder and makes it hard to make simple movements

it’s when you obsess over minor changes

it’s when you become selfish and wish him misery

it’s when the thought of him with someone else breaks every bone in your body and stabs your heart with the shattered remains

it’s when you are not the same anymore

it’s when everything good is paired with the weight of the past

it’s when you miss every, single, thing

it’s when you cannot go a day without thinking of him

it’s when you can’t move on…
i can’t move on.

🌜

너가 이렇게 매달리는걸 보면 너무 힘들고 널 무시하는 내 자신이 미워져. 근데 내가 아팟던 그때를 생각하면 설마 지금 너가 그때 나보다 더 아프나 고민하게돼.

나도 억지로 차갑게 대하는거 답답하고 싫은데 다시또 다칠까봐 어쩔수없이 이러는거야..너가 혹시라도 그냥, 아무 이유없이 그냥, 이러는걸수도 있어서 기대 하나도 안하고 무시하는거고…

유치하게 너가 나한테 했던 짓 되풀이 하는것도 아니야. 그냥 이 상황에서 뭐가 맞는지 몰르고 너가 하나도 이해안되서 일단 아무말도 안할라고… 혹시 몰라서..

좀 더 시간이 지나고 진짜 지금도 괜찮지만 더욱 더 덤덤해지고 괜찮아지면 뭐라해야할지 생각날수 있지만 그때쯤 되면 너도 너의 생활 잘 하고 있을꺼고 괜히 건들고 싶진 않을것같아.

그래서 그냥 너가 지금 엄청 잘 지내고 그냥 날 한번 건들어본거라고 믿을께. 난 너한테 기회를 충분히 줬다고 생각하고 너무나도 실망을 많이해서 더이상 기대따윈 안해. 친구로 지내고 싶다는것도 너가 날 그래도 아끼고 곁에 두고싶어서 물어본거라고 했으면 난 분명히 좀 흔들리고 더 고민해봤을꺼야. 근데 넌 너무나도 명확하게 아무 이유 없다고 나한테 말했으니 내가 어떻게 뭘 믿고 친구하겠니? 나였으면 넌 믿겠니?..

난 여태까지 계속 너가 한 말들 다 받아주고 너가 연락하때마다 슬퍼하고 마음 고생 하면서 지내왔어. 우리 이제 헤어진지 삼개월이나도 지났고 넌 날 잊었을꺼라고 생각해야하는데 바보처럼 다시 또 망설이고있어…설마 못잊었을까봐…

그래도 널 이해 하려고 하는것도 이제 지쳤어. 너의 모든걸 내가 다 감당하는것도 힘들고… 그니까 제발 부탁할께. 놔줘

..

너가 생각이 깊어지고 날 배려해줄수있게 될때까지 기다도록 노력할테니까 이제 그만하자.

아직은 너무 아프지만 언젠간 이쁜추억들이랑 사랑 모든거 다 하나하나 다시 되돌아보면서 너한테 고마워 할수 있길 바랄께.

안녕,

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