daisies

there’s something about the smell of dasies…

they’re like everything good in the world put together and grown

then they sprout like little ladybugs that unfold their wings slowly before flying away

their petals white like cotton balls flattened out and compressed into something solid

something palpable.

I have daisy-scented shampoo and everytime I use it I cant stop smelling my hair

it’s addicting…probably till the point of being unhealthy

but it’s one of my most favorite things ever
….
like words.

if I ever saw a huge field of daisies I’d probably stop whatever the hell im doing and lay down with the little ants and bugs that are there underground and just forget about the world

I could fall in love with the earth

it’s highly possible.

especially if im alone and there’s nobody around

all by myself

me myself and solitude

I get so happy just imagining it

like a whole empty world with just me and no trace of society

emptiness is so welcoming and the thought of it makes my heart flutter…
hehh like little dragonfly wings.
the cute ones, not the ones that look like flies. the cute rainbow ones.

yep. im pretty cute

going back to daisies….

they’re kinda like eggs…
the ones you eat:
yellow on the inside and white on the outside

everything important is centered in the middle and irrelevant things are just shooting out of it.

I want to be like that

putting everything important to me first…centering what I consider important around what others think is important. no shortcuts, no cheating.

I wish I was like that

I wish I was a daisy ❁

image

I have a quick question:
why does it feel so good to write….?

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history

so much time has passed since civilization and I wonder if sometime in the far future people will study about us in history books.

we will be history one day whether we like it or not

they’ll see us in pictures and laugh at how we dress and wore our faces

it’s interesting to imagine what their reaction would be like

haha

-els x

hiding

i’m probably the most insecure person sometimes…

yes, i’m a scaredy cat….probably the smallest one too

small because everything is big and frightening, not small because i’m less of a scaredy cat

right now, everything seems so overwhelming and it’s as if the world is waiting on me to make a move

to prove myself as a person

not just any person, but a confident, bright and promising one

it’s like as if i’m on the edge of a cliff, ready to fall…

ready to fall towards the light below, full of opportunity

i envision a world of chances under me

it’s not gravity that lures me into it

but my own will, my own choices….

just as i’m ready to give myself in to desire and yearning

a consuming force pulls me back

and somehow i’m split between aspiration and fear

it tears everything apart inside

they both simultaneously wrench me in both directions while forcing me towards the ground

I look at the only place unrestrained

…I look up.

hoping to find relief…

but i’m stubborn, obdurate, and unyielding

I don’t give in to anything….which only keeps me in the same position,.stuck in place without expectation

everytime a thought passes by, I immediately slam down a wall and suppress it

so that I remain uninfluenced

i always destroy every chance given to me….

it’s frustrating because i can’t bring myself to do anything but remain still and not give in to ANYTHING

it’s worse when the choices i make not only involve me, but someone else

everything’s up to me but i somehow cant do shit

i need someone to just tell me not do that something, i don’t care what it is..

i need it to be certain and truthful

i need it so that i can make choices without regrets…

so that i can decide what i want

if i have anything to want anymore… .

.

there’s this storm of confusion

the wind muffles every thought and judgement

all i can possibly do right now is remain silent

it’s all i can do.

i’m trying with every strength inside me to do the right thing

but i’m sure it all seems insincere and meaningless…

disappointment is the only word i have to describe my feeling towards myself right now

Education

It is currently 2:30 am and I should be sleeping right now…
But I have three quizzes and a test tomorrow so sleeping is not an option at the moment.

Sleep deprivation sucks…especially when you know you shouldn’t have procrastinated…

My bed looks so tempting right now…but I drank so much coffee that I don’t even know if I’m sleepy or not.
I hate coffee by the way…it makes me feel sick and I hate coffee breath.

I wish I had more time to get things done. ..

Oh well….self pity won’t get me anywhere

*sigh*

I should go study…. ):

-bye