Falling asleep

I’ve always wondered why you never know exactly when you fell asleep…
There’s that moment of drowsiness and floating away, but you never know precisely when you lose consciousness
Hmmm….

AND

What do we do when we sleep? Where does our consciousness go? Do we have a parallel universe in which we exist in a subconscious state?
So complicated.

And when someone says “dream about me,” is it a good thing?…because aren’t dreams not real, making whatever you dream of, not reality (if that makes sense)..?

I’m probably not making much sense….or maybe I am. I mean I understand what I’m trying to say…but do you?

Ehh…I’m just having trouble falling asleep because my mind is extremely crowded at the moment.

I guess I’ll just try to drift off now

-xx els

Things I like…

Probably going to add onto this later…

Drawing oranges

Burying myself in clean duvets

Lying on concrete

Cold air

Looking down on the world from some place high up

Aimlessly walking

Traveling alone

Speaking french

Water

Sounds of nature

Hole-punching paper

Walking in rain

Sad songs

Picnics

Finding a chord that sounds good (guitar)

Getting mail for me in the mailbox

Paying attention to lyrics

Naps with the window open

Falling asleep in class

Moss

Finishing a stick of chapstick

Tuning the world out

Laughing untill I cry

Hiding

Having guy best friends

Flags

Being a kid

Bonfires

People watching

Walking barefoot

Flights and airports

Making tea

Being home alone

Writing in blue pen

Empty houses without anything in them

Blue skies

Ishmam

Korean candy

Cousins

Saint Cyr au Mont D’or

06001

Eating outside

Cold pillows

Driving on cliffs

Falling on snow

Collecting receipts

Holding my breath

Smell of wood burning

Looking for light

Deep underwater,
No light.

If you go deeper,
Is there light on the other side?
Or is it an endless path of darkness and loss that’ll consume your every hopes and turn into nothing right before your eyes.

Is there hope for the lost, the blind, the confused, the ones who tread on water only to find themselves even more adrift than before…?

Pressure increases as the weight on our shoulders forces us to our knees and keeps us at the bottom.

Then we cry for help as if anyone can hear us through the muffling crowd of their own thoughts.
And even if they could, would they have any clue as to how to help..?

When do we realize that we are oblivious to our surroundings? When do we realize that we are all crying for help simultaneously therefore muting ourselves…When do we fucking realize that we’re all deaf.

We are all witnesses of helplessness yet we do not realize.

Every single day we suffer but fail to offer a hand…
Neither do we take the hand held out to us.

We unintentionally put ourselves into failure then try as hard as we can to save ourselves….

We set ourselves up for failure..

Then give up at the thought of success.

3 years

Three….
Three?
Three.

That number….
It seems like a small number but it’s infinite to me.

Three years.

I’ve just come to realize that as of right now, I’m living a pretty static life.
This is currently my 3rd year living in Georgia. ..something like this hasn’t happened in a long time.

By the start of my freshman year (2011) my parents had decided that I would need a stable 4 years of high school. So we decided to stay in one place until I graduated. I rejoiced at the thought 2 years ago but I dont know anymore…

It feels….weird.
I cant explain this feeling. But it’s something like…I have the urge to pick up my things and leave.
To start over.
I guess im just used to starting over.
Or is it that i’m just so used to giving up

I dont know…

I just dont feel like myself

I thought it was hard leaving everything behind all the time. But now, I see that staying is harder.

Before, I could totally mess up relationships with other people and it wouldn’t matter because I would leave. I can’t be like that anymore.
I have to try harder

But instead of doing that, I dream of graduating and leaving everything behind
Of going away…
Running away..
Fleeing.

Maybe I’m just selfish.
Selfish me.

Fleeting feelings

Thinking extremes…

Why do we preoccupy ourselves with unnecessary worries,

When emotion and circumstances collide…?

We endeavor to save ourselves

By resorting to crossing the line

Into absurdity…

Unconsciously.

Then we regret surpassing even ourselves

Because everything happened out of pure innocence.

And no one’s to blame….for the bad thoughts..

The fleeting feelings… .